Unexpectant and Suddenly
Unexpectedly and suddenly life decided to throw a curveball my way. You see, we live and conditionally love from a place of trauma and are completely unaware of how our fears control us.
I felt out of my mind. A seemingly eternal panic attack that sent me spiraling in a dark hole of confusion. The thoughts spilled into my heart from the overflow of my mind.
“You’re not loved. You’ll never be. They will always be this way. You’ll never be successful at this. This is your truth. This is your reality. You can always go back to what you know. That’s right, search for the fastest exit and make a run for it. Hurt them as much as you’re hurting now. They meant it. You don’t know who you are. You have no identity. You’re meaningless. You’ll never have it. You can’t possibly do that, it’s not in your nature. Command respect, don’t let them disrespect you. You hate it here. You’re uncomfortable, look for something that comforts you.”
Sometimes it’s hard to know if it’s you talking or you talking. Exactly. That’s how crazy I felt.
Everything I knew to be true rejected how I wanted to respond and the inner conflict of the two voices made me want to kick an old lady’s walking cane right from under her. If I’m hurting, I need to project hurt onto something/someone else. A coping mechanism that stems from waging an unknown war.
This is why the saying “hurt people hurt people” is so true.
Have you ever thought about the fact that when you start to be renewed in life there are evil forces out to keep you trapped in the same old way of thinking? Waging the war within is the most difficult part of becoming whole and restored. It’s a constant battle of the person you were versus the person you’re becoming.
When you know better, you are consciously aware of your actions and sometimes that state of consciousness doesn’t allow you to respond in the old version of yourself. Frustrating.
The you that’s becoming whole and restored wants to revert back to the old you and most times the old us wins. You’ll feel really crazy when you’re sitting in a situation and simultaneously are aware of the conflict between the two vessels inside you.
We tie our identity up in our experiences. For example, I’m a respected person, I’ll never tolerate this action from someone. What if the lack of tolerance/patience is actually avoidance from a part of our past that is intended to heal us?
What if the surrender, the yielding of the identity we’ve attached to propels us to freedom? It’s the resistance of the old vessel towards the new vessels that makes us feel crazy. Can two vessels live within one body? I reckon so. Wage the war within.
I’m finding that waging the war within is more of a moment by moment experience rather than a sudden attack of the former and newer vessel. A heightened awareness will propel us forward, here. Here is forward. Someone asked me what my word for the year is and without thinking about it I wrote down “forward”.
Forward.
It sounds progressive, doesn’t it? Little did I realize that progression only comes through the heightened awareness of our “here”. I believe “here” is the root of the war that’s waged within. We want to move forward without being “here”. Earlier this year I tapped into the perspective that we can’t possibly be anywhere else as human beings but “here”. Yet there’s a constant overlooking of our “here” to be there. Imagine the time wasted, the moments overlooked because we can’t be here. Here is the war within. Here is forward.
To take it a step further, culture, our past experience, our knowledge thus far, our fears, our worries, regrets are what keep us blindly bound to the old vessel. The new vessel doesn’t even have anything to go off of outside of opportunity, faith, and the unknown. Nothing is concrete. We don’t KNOW anything here. What if we traded those three concepts for everything we know up until this point. Who would win the war within? What would happen as a result?
When we can openly surrender and make plainly the statement that we know nothing, there’s a humility that surfaces where God can step in and show you His power through you. Have you ever thought of why it’s always the war WITHIN? Within is the most powerful part of us; our spirit, our true nature, our passion, the root of our purpose, but more importantly the place where the Holy Spirit resides. We think the war is external, outwardly displacing responsibility of our knowledge up until this point.
We’re backwards, and that’s ok. But what’s not ok is to remain in that state of “here”. You see there’s two types of “here”. It’s surrendering to the “here” that keeps us bound or surrendering to the “here” that simultaneously propels us forward. Either way you are here. Let that sink in. The next step is up to you. A step “here” backwards or a step “here” forward.
The beautiful perspective is that you get to choose. You actually have a choice in the matter which automatically means you have a responsibility. Responsibility (response-ability): not taking blame or burden, but the ability to respond to life not react.
The war is not external, it’s in your specifically designed “here”.
