Replacing the Trigger..
For when you feel you are drowning, but don’t want to stay here.
This morning feels different. It feels intentional. It intentionally hurts, and when I feel this, I have no choice but to begin exploration into the truth of the matter. In a single relationship, one of the recurring themes has been lack of consideration or thoughtfulness for the other. I have a huge heart, and what I feel is that I am allowing myself to be bound by tighter chains each time this individual is given opportunity and fails.
This morning feels different.
In my quiet time, I search for the responsibility I can assume. Maybe I am too picky. No, that can’t be it. I have standards in a relationship and one of them that I am realizing is so important to me is to be connected on a soul level so that when the other is in need of a pick me up, a pat on the back, a warm hug, a little bit of notice, an uplifting moment, firm support, a listening ear, etc., it will be provided because I see them.
This year has been a complete undoing of all that I know of myself, but what am I missing? My heart continues to break into tiny fragile pieces because the one that I love potentially doesn’t possess the gift that I do. He doesn’t see. I can barely type this beneath the tears flowing down my face. Why does it hurt so much? I feel like I am a doormat. A support in time of need but it can’t go further than that. A financial aid teller marketer. I am of good use, but in the meantime my heart feels like it is slipping into a dark abyss. I’m watching it disappear, but I don’t want it to. I’m chasing it down a dark hallway. I feel like a little girl wanting to be noticed. It’s embarrassing to need something like that from someone and repeatedly be reminded that you won’t ever have it.
For the first time, I am writing these words and it makes them more real. For so long, I have kept them in my mind. I want to marry, but I can’t. I want to experience full love, but I feel like there’s a door that keeps getting slammed in my face and all I want to do is give more of myself but I can’t. His lack of awareness feels like the door. I get close to opening it and then he opens it and slams it again. This time on my fingers. Next time on my heart strings. The last time on me.
Have you ever felt like someone slammed a door on you? Imagine the feeling of being stuck between what could be bliss and the fear of your past, only the fear of your past remains your present but you have no control over removing it because it is in the hands of someone else. You desire the change to surface badly, but it is outside of your control. Imagine. I feel like I want to walk boldly through a door with courage in myself because I have seen and know what it is to fall in love and believe for the best outcome, or better yet, not fear the outcome because of the amount of love I have.
I am on the edge of a cliff. I am being given the chance to save myself or watch my heart fall into the depths of the unknown. Who wouldn’t save themselves right? My heart can be restored again, I think. When hope comes in, it’s barely a light in a dark tunnel. I run to it and get closer and realize it’s simply a mirage. Wishful thinking, only to be brought back down to reality of incapacity. A façade because he simply can’t.
So what then do I do to pick up the pieces of me? This morning was the simplest of gestures. No goodbye. No kiss on the forehead and “I’ll see you later”. Only footsteps down a hall and a door slam. Does he not know what this does to me? I can’t stay here, but then I ask myself where is here?
I can only push, persuade, encourage, support, rally the troops, give of my time, my hard earned money so long before that scream of ENOUGH comes from the pits of my stomach to my heart and blares loudly from the depths of my vocal chords. He will think I am crazy, but I’m drowning.
Then I felt this presence. This intentional presence. “I see you”.
That was enough for me.
Why do I keep trying to change someone that has proven that they can’t. Why do I seek validation through someone who in the simplest of moments believes they are thinking of me but from every other perspective walk right through me, a ghost of someone familiar to them. Why am I this heartbroken over someone who can’t when I have someone who can.
I have to replace the trigger. This one is huge for me because it is thrown in my face with no consciousness. It’s like he is missing a brain wave. He can’t do it and I can’t fall prey to the inabilities of others when I have someone who can fill the gap. I have someone who always sees me. Who is excited for me when I walk in obedience. Who doesn’t cast doubt on my achievements. Who listens to what I say, not my actions from a broken heart. My words carry merit with Him. My thoughts are valued to him. He sees me. He greets me every morning with a freshness. He wipes away my tears when I feel he continues to miss the mark. He won’t worry about the thoughts of others over my value. He sees and appreciates the small details of me. He continually meets my needs with simple gestures such as giving me breath each moment to fight another day.
One thing I know is that someone won’t change fully until they realize what is lost. I am speaking about myself. Look at all that has been lost. I fought so hard to be here relationally because sometimes the ones who guards their heart the most are actually the most passionate lovers. I believe it’s because we know deep down what we really possess and how our love can change the world. If he doesn’t see that, that doesn’t mean I have to dim my light for others because someone needs my love. Someone needs the depths of me. If I allow myself to be hurt every time he doesn’t see or notice, I am stealing love from and for someone else.
Look at all that has been lost; lack of trust, incapacity to be consistent, lack of self value. But deeper than that, look at the time I have lost waiting for someone to be something that never will be. Look at the lack of trust I have allowed my heart to experience when this whole time I’ve had someone waiting for me to trust in them. What has to be lost in order to gain?
I am truly broken, but I don’t have to remain here. I have to replace the trigger. Replace his lack of discernment for the omnipresence of God. Omnipresence meaning the state of being widespread or constantly encountered. The presence of God everywhere at the same time. If His presence is everywhere at the same time then He can meet me in my need of support, AND in my weakness in validation from others. If He is omnipresent then He can meet me in my brokenness, AND care about what happened in my day.
I never dissected the word in this way. I always thought of it as a geographic location, and although this is true, if He can be in different locations at once, then He can be in different emotions I am experiencing all at once. He can meet me in my brokenness and in my wholesomeness. He can meet me before the trigger, during the trigger, and after the trigger. He can come in and heal the pieces of my heart, and help me stand up at the same time. He can see me and hear me at the same time. He can help build my trust in Him back up, and hold me when I feel unseen. He can step in when I’m feeling fragile and insignificant, and when I am leading women.
You don’t have to fall to the incapacities of others. You can rise towards your integrity and allow the weakness of others to bring more from you through Him. The incapabilities of others do not have to become the narrative of your story. You are seen, you are valued, you are loved, you are not forgotten, you are not overlooked, you are treasured, you are worthy, you are needed, and you are necessary. God wants us to shift our focus from what others don’t do to what He can do. He won’t meet us when we focus on the lack in the, rather He picks us up, wipes our tears and reminds of who He can be to you, if you allow it.
Maybe this is a test, or instead, an awakening. Sometimes the simplest of hurts that feel the deepest teach us the grandest lessons. He can meet you where you are as the person you are, and the one He knows you to be.
There’s a peace I feel after the flood of tears. I feel the weight of the responsibility to teach someone how to notice me slipping because I have someone who already does. If I allow Him, he will fill the holes without me having to convince him to see me. I won’t have to argue my case and show someone how deeply they’ve hurt me because He already saw it and simultaneously can step in and heal damage like no other.
Maybe the reason “he can’t” is here to teach me of my reliance on his inabilities and shift my focus to the one who can in His perfection. Release the trigger. He might never be able to assume the position. I might never be able to trust in his consistency. He might learn the lessons of life when it’s too late. He might continue to overlook me.
It’s not my fight to fight anymore, because He can. The key is sacrificing what I knew to be true, telling myself a new story of truth, and replacing Him with the trigger. It won’t be easy and I am not even sure of who I will become in this relationship with such change, but the peace I already feel when nothing I can see has changed is supernatural. How does one go from immediate reliance and brokenness to firm validation and significance in God in mere moments? It comes through acknowledging your fears, addressing the projections, seeing where I have failed, breaking the habit loop with action, and letting God do the rest.
The rest is in His hands. He will cover me, he will validate me, he will see me, and he will hear me. The rest is in His hands. It’s not my job to show anyone what I would call “their significant state of lack”. Truth be told, I lacked the ability to see the truth for what it was until now. It’s not too late for me.
I can replace the trigger.
