Lost or Free?

A paradox around the stripping of identity. We feel lost because we are no longer attached to things. In the observance of our emotions towards not knowing what is next, we frantically rush to another narrative so that we become attached again. We cling because we feel lost, but what if the paradox to feeling lost and un-belonging is actually the opposite. What if we are actually afraid to be free?

Belonging and attaching to nothing. Scary. The stripping reveals what is left and if nothing else is left to strip, perhaps, this is when we reach peak freedom. We are conditioned to believe otherwise which is why our society is so hung up on groups, classes, belonging, and conforming. We think we are being original but we are really just as lost and bound as the next person.

Why do we run from freedom? Why do we run towards bondage of sorts? Why when we have things taken from us does it feel like we are losing something rather than gaining space for freedom? Are we truly free to live as we please or does everything we soak up, in return, give us the least amount of freedom.

I’m in the peak season in my life where I am becoming less and less attached to things. Sometimes this comes with force, other times the stripping is done willfully. The more I give up, the less I know about myself. It’s like taking every layer you’ve built yourself to become and peeling it back one by one and throwing it in the trash. The more you peel, the less you know of yourself. The more you peel, the less foundational you become. The more you peel, the more lost you feel. Who am I? There is this feeling of drifting or wandering that comes over me like a cloud and I hate the feeling of not belonging to something. What cause am I fighting for? What validity can I wrap myself up in? How do I even spend my time? What is worth working towards? Who else looks like me?

I am lost. Or am I free?

The weird thing is, as lonely as this road feels, I have to continually remind myself that no one feels exactly as I do at this moment. So sometimes, to try to relate to others only leaves me feeling even more lost? They don’t get it. I believe sometimes we try to share and relate so that we can feel like we aren’t the only ones, but in fact, we are the only ones with our exact experience. This is another way we try to belong. If they can say, yeah I understand how you feel, we feel less alone. We BELONG to a group of outsiders, who are still technically alone. This makes us feel less solitary.

What if the paradox of feeling lost is that you are actually free. Free from the need and will to belong. Free from the group, the societal norms, the comparison. Maybe you are more free than you believe yourself to be. Why do we run from this? Why do we all possess this need to belong? Why do we all shackle ourselves in captivity trying to “be free” when all we’re doing is layering on mounds of confinement?

What if the release is the freedom? The only way to true freedom is through the release of everything we’ve attached to; identity, pain, childhood trauma, neglect, abandonment, success, knowledge, ego, fads, relationships, people, beliefs, the will of the mind, money, power, fame, sex, and what we think it means to be free.

I feel the most lost I’ve ever felt in my life but I am also the most detached from THINGS that I’ve ever been in my life. So what am I?

Am I lost or am I free? Is there something in between? Or is this what it feels like to just be?

“I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.” — Psalms 119:45