I Know You’re Uncomfortable but Stay Close to Me
“I don’t want to be here”.
The first of many. My family comes from a history of divorce, cheating, drug addiction, and separation. This was our first family ski trip. Christmas time has a funny way of bringing people together, maybe it’s the holiday spirit that suppresses the Scrooge in us, but regardless, I am thankful for the spirit it brings. In previous years, someone was always deployed. There has never been a time in the history of the legacy my parents created that we were all under one roof in harmony. That would be this trip. I prayed daily before the trip that God would use me in a way that would transform and change the trajectory of our family. I knew it would begin with me.
“Use me in a way that would wake us up”, I prayed, because I see what this family is destined for. I’ve seen it. It’s going to happen, even though it doesn’t seem like it right now.
We began the destination vacation with a three hour drive up a winding mountain that seemed endless, each person excited for what was to come. For whatever reason, my partner and I ended up getting there first. We entered the Airbnb and flipped on all the lights. It was cold. The amber colored cabin overlooked gorgeous mountains and as the sunset, I knew this was going to be a monumental trip. I could feel it. As each car arrived, the excitement for our ski endeavors the following day could be felt in the atmosphere. We settled in, and as we did, I became unsettled.
This was the opposite of what was supposed to be happening, I thought. Now if you know anything about me, you know that cleanliness is a substantial part of my peace. Visit my home once, and you’ll realize, this girl loves fresh linen scents, spotless floors and vacuum marks on the carpet. You’ll see clear countertops and everything has a place. It is the foundation, or was the foundation of my peace. My routine was everything to me.
The cabin was dirty. Dog hair covered our pillows and sheets, mouse traps under the bed, and foxes and deer heads lined the walls of the living room; not my traditional idea for a family getaway. We even called the owner and had her come out and replace the sheets on some of the beds. This was absurd in my book.
I don’t want to be here.
As time went on, around the third day, my anxiety was at an all time high. Amongst the busyness of the trip, I found myself severely unsettled within. Why am I this off centered? I never took my shoes off, sat on the couch or ate without feeling sick to my stomach. The house disgusted me. My calm is what sustains me. My aura has always been relaxed and mild mannered. I am known for carrying a presence of peace and that was built over time through many years of ups and downs. Why can’t I find my peace? It must have been the house. The dog hair. The odor. The mold in the bathroom. The stuffed fox over the fireplace. I can’t be here anymore, these thoughts consumed me. I must get back to my peace. The only solution was to leave. If I can’t find peace here, then it must be back where I felt safe ( my sister’s house where we all met before the trip: this was a 3.5 hour drive away).
My dad was the last to show up to the party and my younger sister (who also wanted to leave) and I agreed that we would at least stay until he got in for a few hours so everyone could be together, again, because this was history in the making. There were so many times that my mom asked me to stay, discord between siblings began to surface because we became divided on the topic; to stay or to go? My mind was made up. I had to get back to my peace and my anxiety from my surroundings didn’t allow for that. Something inside me was missing. I needed to get back.
My father arrived in all of his wonderful glory and we began to open presents. Meanwhile, I was in the background packing and cleaning; stripping the bed, filling trash bags, and collecting towels for washing. I was ready to go. My peace, I needed to get back to what I knew. My family and my younger sister’s family announced to everyone else that we were leaving early to head back to my older sister’s house and would wait there until everyone came back the following day. There was only one night left in the cabin, but I couldn’t do it. I had to go. I needed to get back to my peace.
We packed up the car and left.
The drive back to my sister’s house was exciting for me. I felt like I could breathe for the first time in over 48 hours. I already felt relaxed. That night we all took warm showers, washed our clothes that were covered in dog hair, and ate ourselves into a Chinese food coma. It was blissful until a migraine grew so badly behind my eyes that I couldn’t see or think straight. The last time I had a migraine, I was 8. This was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Light, movement, sound, even existing hurt me. I took one too many Excedrin, covered my head with a pillow and prayed that Jesus would intervene until I fell into a deep sleep that lasted around eleven hours.
The next morning, I woke up refreshed and excited to wake up with no physical or mental attacks on my body. The last 72 hours had sent me into a spiral that felt so out of body. Finally, I thought, some peace. It was Sunday morning. I came downstairs to my younger sister playing a sermon on YouTube by Steven Furtick. We are HUGE fans of him and his ministry. The title of the message was “He attacks what is valuable”. My little sister had already watched this one, but stressed how amazing it was so we watched it; her thousandth time, my first time.
He preached about the fact that Satan knows us. He knows what will distract us and knock us off course. He knows that we are special and important to God and God’s purpose, so the devil will use the very things we are supposed to see purpose in against us. He attacks. He attacks what is valuable. My mind started spinning. I could see it all so clearly now. The attack on my mental distraction. The attack on my peace. The attack on my body. This is why I felt so out of sync, so off course.
The first time in the history of our family that we were all in one place. I had prayed and prayed that God would use me to spark and ignite something in my family that would change the course of how we pursued life. The time came. The single night that we would have all been together, I chose to leave. What I prayed for was being attacked, but I didn’t see it.
You see, the devil knows how much I prioritize my peace. I allowed the busyness of the trip to distract me from my peace. The foundation of my new found peace has been in my routine, not cleanliness. It has been found in reading my Bible, doing my devotions, centering myself in a place where God speaks to me daily. I wasn’t doing any of that. The last time I prayed was before the trip began and in the busyness, I failed to go back to what I knew.
Distractions came in and took my eyes off of the bigger picture. What conversations could have happened if we would have stayed and allowed God to work? What kind of healing could God have used me for on the last night of the first family trip where everyone was finally together. God even brought together my ex husband and my new partner in harmony. We all get along and co-parent because Khai is the bigger picture. I lost sight of the bigger picture, of my purpose for being on that trip. I became distracted in an uncomfortable situation and turned the focus on what I didn’t like, instead of how God could use me.
Everything you are reading right now, I realized in about 60 seconds after watching that twenty minute Steven Furtick video. Imagine the heartbreak. I realized what I had done. The moments that were now lost. When I tell you I sobbed, I mean it. I really cried, and even in those moments, God saw me. He knew this would happen and He understood the lesson that HAD to be learned in the process. It broke me. Not once did I turn to him when I was uncomfortable. Not once did I give Him the opportunity to show up where my faith lacked. Not once did I go to Him when it didn’t make sense. Not one time did I go to him when I felt out of sync with myself. Not once did I ask him for guidance when I couldn’t find my peace.
I vowed to myself on that day (this day, because I am writing this on the same day of the realization) that I will never again be the reason that I miss an opportunity for God to work. I can see it so clearly now and in the middle of it, all I saw was my discomfort. I believe this lesson was there for a reason, and later I came to find out that even in my distress God was still working. My parents exchanged kind words to each other. My little sister and my father took a step in restoring their relationship. My partner and my father were able to talk and learn more about each other. My mother grew from her experience. He was working even when I couldn’t see it.
He was answering prayers even when I was too distracted to see it.
I called my older sister and mother immediately on their drive back and apologized for my selfishness. It was never my intention to cause division but I was also not spiritually mature enough to see what was happening before my eyes. He spoke to me this morning in such a gentle way after such a heartbreaking lesson. He is our Father and even after our selfish mistakes he makes things clear to us for the future. He forgives and reassures and wipes our tears away but with instruction.
I heard him so clearly speak to me through this lesson, “There will be times in the future where you are uncomfortable, stay close to me and remember the bigger picture, and I will take care of you and fulfill my purpose through you”.
Even when you cannot see the bigger picture, even when it is uncomfortable, even when you feel out of sync, stay close to Him. He will reveal his purpose through you to you, but stay close. I failed to do that this time, but I won’t fail in this way again. It will forever be a reminder to me; stay close to Him, and remember He sees what you can’t. There is always a bigger picture through your struggles.
