An Answer in the Question
Of course, this was not the answer I was looking for, but naturally whenever is it? I decided to position myself outside of my normal routine. I have this deep sense of anxiety when I feel I am missing something God is wanting to speak to me. I’ve learnt that it is never Him that is the issue, rather my ears, my positioning, and my perception.
I want to reassure you that when you are experiencing moments where you feel God is distant, He is ever present and ever working. Not only is He always working and active, He is ALWAYS speaking. Take a moment, look around. Your breath signifies He is speaking to your importance. Nature relays His specifics and beauty. YOU are made up of organs and atoms that are constantly at work. He speaks constantly. It’s us that must slow down in order to hear the specifics.
Imagine, your best friend talking and talking, posting a fake life on social media and working herself into the ground, running in circles looking for an answer, but you have the exact detail she needs to calm her anxiety and help her remain focused for today. You’re trying to get her attention, but she keeps talking over you. She allows other peoples voices to sway her decision making and that interrupts the last thing she knew to do. Media, music, and culture’s audio are turned up to max volume, but you’re still telling her the key. She can’t hear you, but continues to stress. You’ve always been there speaking to her, but she hasn’t slowed down enough to notice.
Is it that you aren’t speaking or is it that she cannot perceive it?
I experienced that first hand this morning. I’ve been praying and focusing heavily on the details of life. Where to live, what to do, am I doing this or that right? Is God pleased with me? What’s next? What does that look like? Here or there? Pink or yellow? Under or over?
The selfish mentality. Although we don’t mean to be selfish in our prayers and thoughts, look at how much time is consumed by trying to figure out the wonder of His plan for our life, instead of trusting and acting on what we can in the now. My heart’s desire is to be exactly where He wants me and not to take a step if His presence isn’t there with me, so naturally, I stress about the small things.
I decided to go to the beach. It has the ability to calm even the scariest thought and bring peace to an internal storm that rages because of the unknown. I just talked to Him, like I would a best friend. I told Him how nothing makes sense, and that I needed a sign. I told Him that I trust Him and in reality I know nothing. I told Him my intentions are pure but I always feel so confused and hyper sensitive to indecision. I looked and looked for a sign in the waves. I saw seagulls fly overhead, a woman paddle boarding and seashells coming and going with the tide but nothing stood out to me.
I believe God is a comedian. We always look for these mysterious signs and wonders and He speaks quite plainly and simply. I continued the conversation with Him. I love talking to Him. I felt He was right there with me just listening. You know, He is the best listener. He never interrupts and ALWAYS understands exactly where you’re coming from, even when you don’t have the words to explain what’s going on in the jumbled mind of ours. He is patient and smiles at us in our confusion as if to say, “Keep going, I’m listening”. How amazing that He takes the time to listen even when He already has the answer, even when He knows what’s ahead is already sorted for us. In our human minds, we would rush the other and say, “LOOK, CALM DOWN, THIS IS WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN, RELAX”, but He just listens and then He speaks.
After I rambled on for another 13 minutes about what I don’t understand, I looked to my left, a woman stood in the waves pacing as if she was carrying a burden that might sink her if she wavered too much.
“Go, talk to her”, He said.
“You mean now?” I love our conversations. He didn’t say anything. I observed her for another two minutes then watched her as she walked up to the shore. She plopped in the sand and began wiping her face, tears she couldn’t keep from falling, lined her cheekbones. That was all I needed so I began to walk in her direction. I searched my thoughts, not knowing what to say to her. I got closer.
“Hello. I saw you over there pacing and then when I looked again I saw you wiping your face and I just wanted to tell you that everything is going to be ok”. She kept wiping her eyes and looked into my soul. She needed more. She smiled. I noticed her small cross tattoo on her forearm. “I see you have a cross on your arm, are you spiritual?” She looked up at me and shaded her eyes from the sun. “Well, not as much as I used to be”. She couldn’t have been more than twenty-four.
My heart dropped. “Well, that’s ok. That is life. We all go through moments of feeling that. Know that He is always close and ever present even when we feel distant. He is right here”, I pointed next to her, “even when it doesn’t feel like it”. She started crying harder. I reached out to her. “Can I hug you?” She replied yes in less than a second and extended her arms as if she’d known me for years.
We hugged for what felt like an hour. I rubbed her back and felt an immediate exchange. One that I had never felt before. Through me, He reminded her that He is so close to her, no matter how far she feels. He is in the atmosphere. I felt like I was hugging Him, and so did she. He met with us there. His power was transferring to her and simultaneously, giving me a realization of grand importance that started to become clear.
Earlier in our conversation, I asked her name. Kate. Still hugging, I whispered, “Kate, you will overcome. He already has it sorted out for you. Trust Him, Kate”. Upon releasing, she looked into my eyes and said thank you. I told her I would pray for her and speak her name to Him, as I went on my way. I left her feeling hopeful for her situation.
Back at my spot, He spoke immediately. “Don’t worry about all the details. I’ve got you. Don’t get caught up in the tiny things, I’ve already sorted them for you. If you continue to focus on my “how”, you’ll miss your ministry. It is right in front of you. Let me worry about the details. You just bring souls to me right where you are.
I thought back over my transaction with Kate. She trusted me immediately. She allowed me to hug her, she welcomed me in her sorrow. People. This is my ministry. If I am so focused on the details of my life, I miss opportunities to show a little bit of life-changing Jesus to people right in front of me. How incredible to be taught such a profound lesson in a moment when I stopped talking so much and gave room to hear Him speak.
I felt more calm. Look at God. He reassures us through reassurance for and of others. Through calming her, He calmed me. He is mystery and power, healing and relief, all in mere moments for more than one person at a time.
What a revelation. This was my sign.